my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
