her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
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