Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
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