if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
