At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize
