I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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