I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
