You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
