As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
