Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
