I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
