Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
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