I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
