We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
