People in love make me want to vomit
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
