i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
