so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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