I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
