When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
