i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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