Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
