Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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