nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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