Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
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he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
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Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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