why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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