I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
