That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
