paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
we made out on top of his cat.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
