she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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