Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
