I cut my penus on the lid.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
