Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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