i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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