i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
