I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
