wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
