Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
