I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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