I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
3pm strippers are depressing
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Randomize
