I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Randomize
