I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
