Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
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If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
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It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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