I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
