I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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