We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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