There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Randomize
