actually, I'm a sock model
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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