Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
