Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
as a side note pls kill me
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
