Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Randomize
