there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Randomize