very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Randomize
