i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
