have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
