Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
