Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
