remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
