i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
This baby is an asshole
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
